David Elkind's book "Miseducation" identifies several types of parents. He talks about how parents try to live out their own dreams through their children. For instance, there is the parent who is consumed with their child being a star athlete, or a beauty queen, or the class president, or a master outdoorsman. Whatever the pursit---it is typical for parents to try to influence their children's dreams. His ideal parent was the "milk and cookies" parent who presented a broad range of opportunities and let their child discover what fit them, rather than trying to make them fit their "dreams and aspirations".
When I read this book, I liked to think of myself as the "milk and cookie" parent but in retrospect I realize how difficult it really is to step back and let your child take charge of their destiny. In our house, we valued education and as such expected our children to do well in school. Fortunately for us and them they had this ability so it was not an issue, but I have to wonder if they had not possessed this trait how we would have reacted. Of course, I want to think I would have been positive, encouraging, and accepting but I now realize that is easier said than done.
It is every parent's challenge to understand that although they have the responsibility to mold and shape their children they cannot live their lives for them or through them. Parents must be prepared to guide, aide, and let their children chase their own dreams on their own path.
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2 comments:
I think that I can agree with you, but I have been involved in so many parent conferences where this has not been the case. As a matter of fact, we have an employee in our school district who has great difficulty coming to terms with her son's difficulties with gross/fine motor skills. Even though the child has been tested gifted (privately) and our system passified her by bendour our rules to get him there. SHe hides his disabilitiy and wants to highlight his giftedness. Our assistant principal, however, is an advocate for students with learning disabilities. Her daughter has issues learning and she can talk to parents about personal experiences. I think if parents know that they are not alone in what they are going through, it may make it easier for them to accept.
Appolo (Stephanie)
Donna,
More and more parents fit the mold of pushing their children to be what they are not. Yet, very few of them push them to be themselves. No wonder more and more colleges are reporting meddling parents in their child’s academic career. I cannot imagine being a college student and having my mommy call and ask my professor why I received the grade I did. Instead, parents are not raising children to be individual thinking adults but rather children to be children who cannot cut the apron strings. I am not sure if this is because the parents have not done what they had aspired to be in life or if they are simply trying to keep up with the Jones. Either way, children are becoming more and more dependent to the point they do not even know how to think for themselves.
As I sit here six months pregnant with my first child, my husband and I have had NUMEROUS talks about how we will raise our child. I am an educator. His parents were both educators, and he is studying to become an educator. We understand the importance of allowing our child to think for him/herself and learn how to problem solve on his/her own. This means, our child will learn for him/herself what they do best. We will also not be calling the teacher every single time our child does not do well. No matter what happens, the teacher is the adult and the professional. We both promised each other that the teacher’s word supersedes the child’s. We will not undermine the teacher and create a he said she said game like many parents do with their children and teachers. It is time that the old values to come back and we do what is best for the children, not what will fulfill our dreams.
Thank you for bringing up such a long overdue topic.
Jenn
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